Dell on Movies

Directed by Xan Cassavetes.

2012, Rated R, 97 minutes.

Cast:

Josephine de La Baume

Milo Ventimiglia

Roxane Mesquida

Anna Mouglalis

Michael Rapaport

Riley Keough

Juan Luis Acevedo

Boy Paolo (Ventimiglia) meets girl Djuna (de La Baume) one night in a video store. 'Member those? Right then they go on an impromptu date. It goes so well she invites him back to her place. Just before they get down to the nitty gritty, she switches gears and kicks him out. Damn. Hate when that happens. Still, he's so smitten he returns to her house the next night. She won't let him in because of her "condition." Since he's a persistent bastard, she agrees to give him a big sloppy kiss and winds up biting his lip so hard that it bleeds and sends him packing again. Ouch. Unable to take a hint, he approaches her later when he spots her out and about. What the hell, dude? No means no. Well, sorta, in this case. He again sweet talks his way into her place. Realizing this guy will stop at nothing to get in her pants, she finally lets him know what her condition is. Djuna...yes, Tarantino fans, the D is silent...is a vampire. She's usually able to control herself, but she has a very dangerous "O face." Of course, Paolo doesn't believe any of this, blinded by his raging hard-on and all. To prove it, she has him literally chain her to her bed, which seems to be right up his alley, and lets him get to work. Sure enough, before he even gets little Paolo out, Djuna grows fangs.

Dear reader, I must pause right here in the middle of the recap section of the review to inject myself into the movie. After the lip biting incident I'd be done with her. Let's suppose I wasn't, though. When she brings out the chains, that's my nex cue to get away. Bondage ain't my thing. Okay, maybe she is so fine and I'm just horny enough to stay. In that case, we'd have to figure a way to restrain her head (something they didn't do whatsoever) on the off chance she really is a vampire because I'm planning on being in close proximity. Know what I'm sayin'? If while I'm getting my semi-necrophilia on, she sprouts fangs, whatever courage I had would suddenly go soft as I bolted out of door ASAP. No way in hell would I do what Paolo does. Now back to our regularly scheduled review.

Paolo acts all taken aback, poorly acts I should say, and Djuna bursts into tears. then, yes, he removes her from her shackles. Before you know it, he puts the biscuit in the basket and she gives him one hell of a hickie. The next day, he wakes up to the obvious: he's been Dracularized. They live together in undead bliss until Djuna's crazy sister Mimi (Mesquida) shows up and moves herself in. She is also a vampire. Everyone in the vampire world trying to deal with this chick's insanity ensues.

Kiss of the Damned presents some nice ideas and takes vampire lore in an interesting direction. Vampirism is often used as a metaphor for something in the real world. In this case, it's drug addiction. In the film's universe most civilized vampires are like recovering addicts. They only drink synthetic blood when they can get it and hunt down an animal when they can't. Those that dine regularly on humans are the ones who still get high and they'll do anything to get their fix. This describes Mimi to a tee. There is much talk of sending her to rehab. However, this is a vampire flick so we're not working up to some tearful intervention. Mimi is clearly the villain. She's a fun one and gets better as things move along.

The whole movie gets better as it goes. Early on, we are distracted by some atrocious acting with only slightly better dialogue. Then, we're nearly bored by the prospect of sitting through yet another cheesy love stoy, no matter how much sex they have. And they have plenty. Then a funny thing happens. Mimi kicks her antics into high gear and the story gets fascinating. We are roped in to her sinister plotting and begin thinking about how Djuna and/or Paolo are going to stop her. Unfortunately, the movie then pricks our balloon with a sharp needle when it simply aborts itself.

Wait, what?

I'll explain.

Kiss of the Damned ends on a completely random and unsatisfying note. It could be construed as a commentary on the dangers of addiction. If so, it's too clever by half. The problem is it has nothing to do with anyone doing anything to resolve our conflict. On top of this, a human character is involved which only serves to highlight the fact we should have gotten to know her way better than we did. She briefly appears a couple times before the climactic scene. The best way for me to describe what happens without spoiling it is to say "oops." It's the type of finale a movie can get away with if it passes itself off as a slice of life story, or maybe if it's a Coen Brothers flick. Here, it just makes me want to grab a wooden stake and hunt down the director.

MY SCORE: 5/10

Directed by James Wan.

2013. Rated PG-13, 105 minutes.

Cast:

Patrick Wilson

Rose Byrne

Ty Simpkins

Lin Shaye

Steve Coulter

Barbara Hershey

Leigh Wannell

Angus Sampson

Danielle Bisutti

When we last left the Lambert family, they rescued their son from the annoying ghosts that started following them around. Unfortunately, Elise, the lady they hired to help them, died in the process. Well, where there's a dead body, there are police. And they don't wanna hear any crap about a haunted house. Yes. We know that's the truth, but try explaining that in a court of law. Thought so. Anyhoo, as far as the cops are concerned, all signs point to Renai (Byrne) as Elise's murderer. While they're conducting their investigation, the Lamberts figure out they have bigger fish to fry. With Josh (as the main target of the happenings, they realize that the house is still haunted.

We're treated to another round of things going bump in the night. And much of the day for that matter. However, it's the things going bump that make all the difference between this movie and its predecessor. Okay. This is as good a time as any to tell you I didn't like the first Insidious. To me, the ghosts in that movie never seemed like they were really threatening to the people involved. They just showed up, made a funny face and lurched toward someone like they weren't actually trying to get them. It was all rather silly. This time around, the ghosts have more purpose. It feels like they want to do some damage. Better yet, we get a nicely fleshed out back story for them that is much more interesting than what's happening on this side of purgatory.

I'm not being completely fair. The stuff going on with the family is better than it was in the first movie, too. A lot of this has to do with its juxtaposition with a better ghost story. Fine, I'll take it however I can get it. Much of it plays like The Amityville Horror. This is also fine because it adds some much needed life to the proceedings. The kids are de-emphasized as we focus on whether or not Josh has been driven crazy by his supernatural house guests, or is something entirely different going on. All of the extra intrigue helps this one zip by instead of trudging forward like one of the first movie's apparitions.

Director James Wan has built up his own little cottage industry of haunted house flicks starring Patrick Wilson. This includes both Insidious movies and the far better The Conjuring and its sequel on the way. Thankfully, this second Insidious has more in common with The Conjuring than with its predecessor. It isn't quite that good, but it functions solidly. The major plus here being the Psycho inspired ghost. It adds a sense of urgency to the proceedings that was sorely missing the first time around. Having said all of this, I understand that plenty of people loved the original, or at least shelled out money to see it. I also know that my opinion runs counter to popular thought on both films, but what can I say? I think the first one sucked and I like this one okay.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Click here for my review of Insidious

Aside from the slasher, The Final Girl is probably the most important person in a slasher flick. After all, this is the movie's heroine. This young lady will rise up and down a fearless, seemingly invincible killing machine. With the carcasses of her friends strewn about and still leaking onto the ground, she figures a way to do what they could not: survive. Why not celebrate the best who've ever done it? With spoilers ahead, here are...

The 13 Greatest Final Girls

Natalie Simon

Urban Legend

(1998)

After Scream became a huge success, slasher flicks were all the rage for a few years. One of the more fun was Urban Legend. After our killer dispatches of just about all of her friends using various urban legends, of course, as inspiration, Natalie handles business the old west way: with a gun. Sort of.

Dana Polk

The Cabin in the Woods

(2012)

Unlike anyone else on this list, Dana actually doesn't survive her movie. That movie, The Cabin in the Woods is a wonderful spoof of the slasher genre and eventually satirizes all manner of horror. So what puts a girl who didn't make it on the list? The stuff she survives is pretty heinous and then her death is sacrificial.

Sally Hardesty

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

(1974)

The movie Sally appears in is certainly one of the most iconic of any mentioned on this list. However, what keeps Sally from rising to the top is that she doesn't actually stop the bad guy. She merely escapes, with someone else's help, at that. Still, what she goes through is just plain brutal. I'm sure she'll take being alive over whatever prize I have for her.

Chris Higgins

Friday the 13th Part III

(1982)

When dealing with the legendary Jason Voorhees, a girl's gotta be thorough with her killin' skills. And Chris is just that. Not content with just taking a knife to him, or rather not really safe with doing just that, she hangs him...and takes an axe to him.

Julie James

I Know What Did Last Summer

(1997)

Ms. James is one of several ladies on the list who were actually The Final Girl more than once. The first time around, she survived a rather pissed off version of The Gordon's Fisherman. The second, it was two pissed off versions. There's no denying Julie is a survivor.

Alice Hardy

Friday the 13th

(1980)

In a lot of ways, Alice is a pioneer in this game. For starters, she was Final Girl in the movie that spawned one of the most iconic franchises in slasher flick history. And as you may know, she's the only FG in the franchise's history that did not have to take on Jason. More impressively, her dispatching of her tormentor was quick, and deliciously messy all at once.

Ginny Field

Friday the 13th, Part II

(1981)

Here, we have our third lady from the Friday the 13th franchise. Ginny does something most of the ladies here do not. She uses Jedi mind tricks on the killer, Mr. Jason Voorhees, himself. She dons his mom dingy, old sweater and launches into some rather nice trickeration, confusing poor Jay. And then she chops him with a machete. Cool.

Amanda Young

Saw

(2004)

Starring in possibly the most extreme case of Stockholm Syndrome ever filmed, we have Amanda. Honestly, her work as a Final Girl probably wouldn't put her on this list, at all. It's what she does with that status that not only gets her here, but with pretty lofty rating, as well. In that first movie, she is the lone survivor, escaping one nasty little trap. In subsequent movies, she does the unfathomable. Amanda becomes an apprentice to the killer. Eventually, this does cause some rifts in the relationship between her and the bad guy, but what are you gonna do?

Erin Harson

You're Next

(2013)

Truth told, if I were basing this list off their accomplishments in just one movie, I'd be tempted to put Erin at the very top of the list. After all, she doesn't just take out one slasher. She takes out a whole squad of folks and her boyfriend. Her survival isn't based on accidents and luck, either. She's a killing machine in her own right.

Nancy Thompson

A Nightmare on Elm Street

(1984)

Not only does Nancy take on one of the most iconic killers of all time, she comes back in one sequel to help another Final Girl take him out (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 1987) then shows up in another to take him out in "real life" (Wes Craven's New Nightmare, 1994). Obviously, she knows a thing or two about survival.

Laurie Strode

Halloween

(1978)

What she endures in the original Halloween is enough to get her on this list. In that movie, she's the embodiment of The Final Girl. However, it's what she does in subsequent movies that gets her near the top of the list. All told, she takes on Michael Myers and wins four times spread over 24 years. That's just in the Jamie Lee Curtis incarnation of the role. Add Scout Taylor-Compton's work in the rebooted series and those numbers jump to six movies over 31 years.

Ellen Ripley

Alien

(1979)

Before you even start, yes, she is the most iconic character on this list. Her status comes from what she means to pop culture. There's just no denying it. What gets her here is that the Alien movies are certainly slasher fare. It just so happens that the slasher is an extra-terrestrial and not an axe/machete/chainsaw wielding psycho. And she does it over the course of four movies. What keeps her from the top spot? Well, have you seen that fourth movie?

Sidney Prescott

Scream

(1996)

Here, we have the quintessential Final Girl. She's tough, smart, and always comes out on top. Another plus is that these victories come against different killers, multiple killers, in each of four movies, all of whom are specifically targeting her. All the while, there are books written, by her so-called friends, and movies filmed about her experiences that keep all of this playing out in the public eye. The tiara is hers.

Click here for more Lists at Dell on Movies!

Directed by Jim Jarmusch.

2013. Rated R, 123 minutes.

Cast:

Tom Hiddleston

Tilda Swinton

Mia Wasikowska

John Hurt

Anton Yelchin

Jeffrey Wright

Adam (Hiddleston) and Eve (Swinton) are a married couple who, for some unexplained reason, are named Adam and Eve and live on opposite ends of the Earth. She tools about Tangier while he's holed himself up in his cluttered Detroit apartment. Dude is definitely a hoarder. Eve's thing is apparently listening to men speak. Like, I'm not even joking about that. After speaking to him on the phone, Eve decides she misses her hubby and hops a flight to Motown. Oh, I forgot to mention that they happen to be vampires. However, they no longer go around biting people. Instead, they get their food from blood banks and black market dealers. Mostly, they lounge around and talk art and science. Things change when Eve's sister Ava (Wasikowska) comes around. She's more of a free spirit. Understandably, she turns their world upside down. Something artsy ensues.

Every now and then, a movie comes along that just makes me admit defeat. It makes me confess that there are people in the world smarter than myself. There has to be because they're all seeing something that, for the life of me, I can't. Only Lovers Left Alive is one such film. However, before completely giving up, I try my damndest to find it. And since I don't know any better, I'll start looking in the places where I always look.

This means that the plot is the first place I check. There really isn't one to speak of. We find out some vaguely interesting things about the people involved, though. Adam is apparently responsible for much of the great music of centuries' past, I think. However, other than showing that he's a total recluse who occasionally releases his new material through 'a guy' named Ian (Yelchin). We also see he's a technological genius of some sort. He must be. He rigged a cell phone to connect to a TV from I don't know how many decades ago and uses it like Skype. Let's be honest, if you or I were alive for a couple hundred years we still couldn't figure out how to do that. Despite all this, dude is definitely depressed. He's been contemplating suicide hard...HARD. About Eve, well, she...um...she really loves Adam and...uh...she loves hearing men speak. Didn't I say that, already? Sorry, folks. That's all I got on her. Oh, wait. There is one other thing about her. She can tell exactly how old something is just by putting her hands on it. It's a cute trick, but fairly useless in everyday life. As for Ava, she likes to party and well, occasionally she drinks too much. Yup, she's a vampire so it's possible I've just spoiled the only thing that actually happens in the entire damn movie. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's just say that I looked at the plot and found nothing.

My next logical step is to examine the characters. Of course, if you've been paying any attention at all then you know that I've already done that because the plot was missing from its normal spot. If we're keeping count then you know we have a grand total of one mildly interesting character. That's it. Hell, the only other character who matters at all in the whole movie is Marlowe (Hurt), an old dude that, yes, Eve loves listening to. His claim to fame is that he is evidently the one and only Christopher Marlowe that some people allege to have faked his own death and assumed the name William Shakespeare and penned all of those classics. And, of course, he's been around ever since and knew every dead writer you ever read in high school personally. The most interesting thing about him is something that perpetuates the Marlowe/Shakespeare myth. It is implied that, like the real Christopher Marlowe, his human life ended at age 29. However, this Marlowe is an old man and vampires don't age once they've been turned. Hmmm...very clever. Still, that's not quite enough to really give a crap about him. So, yeah, we're still at one mildly interesting character.

Well, what about what these people have to say? You know, dialogue. I'll start by saying this, I generally do not read reviews of movies I haven't seen, if I plan on seeing them in the near future. So even as a lot of my blogging buddies were posting their reviews, possibly including yours, I either clicked off that page or just looked at whatever score you gave and then clicked off. Now that I've watched it, I've gone back and read a number of reviews on it. The dialogue of this movie is getting lots of praise. I'll say this for it, it takes someone with a brain to keep up. That much is for sure. For comparison's sake, I'd say imagine a Quentin Tarantino script that instead of referencing all sorts of pop culture, references historical figures in music and literature. By historical, I mean people who died before the twentieth century. Now strip away all of QT's snark and most of his humor of any sort, and voila, you have Only Lovers Left Alive. Well, that's actually dialogue from Adam and Marlowe. The only other thing Adam really says is "Get off my lawn!" He doesn't use those words, but the sentiment is definitely there. He peeks out of his window and sees a couple of youngsters hanging around and then calls Ian, or wait until he sees him, and orders him to keep those "rock and roll kids" away from his house. Eve mostly just says, "Tell me about ___, darling." Seriously. She does go ape shit when she finds out about teeny tiny thing Adam was hiding from her, but that lasts all of a minute and then its' back to sitting around with her listening ears on until very late in the movie when she finally has to do something. Ian just basically says "Dude, you should get out more." Later, Ava shows up and says "Wooohhh, let's go out!" And, when they get out, she switches over to "Wooohhh, Paaarrrr-tay!" Again, not in those words. Sentiment, people. To sum up the dialogue, we'll say Adam's and Marlowe's is creative, but not riveting and everyone else's is repetitive.

After dialogue, it only makes sense to talk about the acting. Finally, we've reached a strong point. Scroll back to the top and look at that cast again. I don't think anyone of them could be accused of phoning it in. In fact, they are selling it for all they're worth. Tilda Swinton is a phenomenal actress. I've no choice but to give her credit for never seeming bored with her role. She seems genuinely interested in what her mate has to say, even though she's probably heard it all literally a million times before. After all, some of her lines begin with "Tell me again about..." Sigh. Tom Hiddleston gives us his emo-hipster best. We really feel like this is a guy that is more than ready to check out. John Hurt's role is small, but he makes it work. Wasikowska adds what little energy this film has.

The next thing I have to ask myself is what does the movie say? Is there any sort of social commentary or insight into the human condition? Maybe. As far as commentary, we get a drive around a barren Detroit landscape and some lamenting the plight of a once great city. There's also some mumbo-jumbo about it coming back because it's near water. The human condition? There is a nod to the dangers of us constantly consuming junk, the way that we do, and what it's doing to our bodies. I guess you can also say it's a testament to the enduring power of love. Or, whatever the hell else you want. I am so tired of playing this game.

Before I quit, I at least should take a look at more superficial things. I mean, this is a movie about vampires, right? Well, alrighty then. Is it scary? No. Gory? No. Romantic? I guess we can give it that one, begrudgingly on my part, though. Are the action scenes fun? They might be, if there were any. In short, I was bored as shit and struggled mightily to make it through this thing. Going back to our lovebirds, they really started to annoy me, quickly. To make matters worse, I put my finger on the pulse of my dislike for these people. With Adam's rather Cullen...er...sullen attitude and Eve's (I think) misplaced giddiness over just being in his presence really made me feel like I was watching another Twilight sequel, this one set years after the last. Since she's long over Jacob, Charlie has probably collapsed and died beneath the weight of his own mustache, and the Volturi are no longer chasing them, nothing happens. Nothing at all.

MY SCORE: 4/10

Directed by George Bessudo.

2008. Rated R, 95 minutes.

Cast:

Jamie Anne Allman

William Lee Scott

Steven Weber

Kelly Hu

Nick Heyman

Jack Donner

Every now and again, I'll watch a movie and I'm not sure what to think about it when I'm done. I'll either watch it again or replay it in my mind as best I can and then contemplate it some more. Whenever this is the case, I'll often hunker down to write a review even though I still don't know if I liked movie or not. Such is the case with Farm House. It's a film I found when I randomly searched for horror movies on YouTube. I vaguely remembered hearing about it when it came out, but it sounded interesting so I clicked "play."

After a brief prologue which comes back into play at the end, we meet Scarlet (Allman) and her husband Chad (Scott). We can tell they're an unhappy couple. Some grand event has made them this way so they've decided to move to Seattle to get a fresh start. Chad is so anxious for this new beginning, he vows to take the twelve hour drive in one shot. As you might imagine, he falls asleep behind the wheel. When he does, he runs off the road and damages the car bad enough that it no longer runs. Luckily, neither he nor Scarlet is hurt. Unluckily, this is a horror movie so it happens in the middle of nowhere with only one house anywhere in sight. This place belongs Sam (Weber) and Lilith (Hu). They seem to be nice enough. It is a bit off-putting how Sam constantly makes fun of Alal (Heyman), the deaf kid that works for them. Other than that, they're a happy go lucky, if a bit too touchy-feely pair. However, it isn't long before Scarlet and Chad find themselves strapped down in the farm house out back and about to get all dead and stuff.

It all sounds like pretty standard scary movie stuff. The difference is what Scarlet and Chad did to get themselves in this situation. I can't say what that is without spoiling the movie, so I'll stop there. That piece of the puzzle is also the reason why I'm so unsure about Farm House. It leaves us without a likable person on either side of the ledger. Having one isn't normally prerequisite to enjoying a movie, but in this case it's needed. When the credits roll we're left without a dog in the fight. Then again, that's kinda the point. The rug is supposed to be pulled from under us. However, as I am writing this I'm realizing a problem. Our two lead actors aren't really compelling enough to have gotten us fully on their side in the first place. Allman isn't too bad as Scarlet, but Scott as her husband gives a dreadfully one-note performance despite a range of emotions being called for.

Throughout Farm House, the sense of dread is palpable. Things also kick up a notch when Sam and Lilith reveal themselves to be the sadistic psychos that they are. Both Weber and Hu have lots of fun with their roles. In fact, they are far more entertaining than our heroes from the first second they show up. Hu's the standout here, giving us a sexy yet ruthless villainness. Then again, that could be my inner-pig speaking since I'm a bit gaga over her. Nevertheless, I'll stand by the statement. Overall, it's a solid low-budget horror flick that utilizes the crazed hillbillies trope, without grotesque appearances and in-breeding mind you, and fuses it with a more overtly ethical and philosophical commentary. In other words, it's a fun watch with a little food for thought thrown in.

MY SCORE: 6.5/10

In 2009, the blog Dell on Movies began. In October of 2014, Dell disappeared under mysterious circumstances. This post is all that remains...

Okay, not quite. However, that is how many "Found Footage" movies begin. That type of prologue is supposed to put us "there." We're to feel that what we're watching is real. Ideally, this would heighten whatever feelings the movie might achieve without the tactic. Most often, it's put to use in the horror genre which is perfect for what's going on, here.

What's going on is another installment of Thursday Movie Picks hosted by Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves. I've had a great time participating in this weekly series and encourage you to join. Each week, bloggers are asked to recommend three movies based on a theme selected by her. Check out her sit for the rest of the rules.

Of course, this week's theme is Found Footage movies.

Though they existed before, they really rose to prominence after the unbelievable success of The Blair Witch Project. I think that's a wildly overrated film, but that's beside the point. The point is that mixed into a genre with lots of duds, there have been a few gems. The movies below aren't necessarily the very best of FFs, but the best ones that can call themselves horror movies.

Cloverfield

(2008)

What if some regular folks were caught in the middle of an attack on New York City by a gigantic monster? And what if they filmed their whole dangerous adventure? That, my friends would be Cloverfield. After an opening that drags a bit too long, things kick into high gear as the monster begins tearing shit up. It's just a fun ride that manages to maintain an air of mystery by wisely not explaining much. (Click here for my full review)

Paranormal Activity

(2009)

Sure, the way too many sequels vary wildly in quality. In fact, we'll take a look at one of them before the month is out. We'll also look at a spoof of it, as well. However, the original stands as a testament to what the genre could be. The performances feel the most natural of the series and the movie as a whole is unsettling, particularly if you watch it at home in the dark. (Click here for my full review)

Troll Hunter

(2010)

This time it's a group of Norwegian college kids who have left behind the footage. They actually set out to find out who is killing off all the bears in the country's forest and find themselves following gigantic and very angry trolls. The creatures are beautifully rendered, by the way. Of my three choices, this is the only one that flew below most people's radar, perhaps because it is not American, but is well worth it if you get a chance. (Click here for my full review)

Click here for more Thursday Movie Picks.

A couple weeks ago, I opened invitations for my fellow bloggers to take part in the Slasher Cast-A-Thon. The idea is fairly simple. Come up a bunch of characters you'd like to kill off (who weren't actually THE villain of their movie) and then find one you'd love to survive.

There are some official rules. You can see those by clicking here.

Now, let's kill some folks off...

The Victims

Madea

Way Too Many Tyler Perry Movies

(2005-???)

I'm begging someone...anyone...please kill this woman...er...man...in the most horrible, gruesome fashion imaginable. The high-pitch shrieking, the purposely mutilated words, the ridiculously unfunny "humor," I just can't take it anymore. I hate to play into the traditional trope of killing off a black character first, but if this is the one, I'm all for it.

Private Timothy E. Upham

Saving Private Ryan

(1998)

Take a good look at that pic. This is merely the first instant I want this young terrified soldier to be killed. At this very moment a member of his own unit is being slaughtered while he does this. I'm screaming at the screen for him to do something and no, nothing. Well, not until much later in the film when he suddenly decides to execute the man who was in their doing the killing. Since this was too little, too late, it marked the second instant I wanted him dead.

Lala Bonilla

He Got Game

(1998)

Normally, I'm completely against killing off high school girls, especially one played by the lovely Rosario Dawson. In this case, however, I think my desire to see her separated from life is warranted. She's the girlfriend of the hottest high school hoops star in the land. Not merely content to ride that gravy train, she hedges her bet by cheating on him with a potential agent. Again, I'll use the pic to support my stance. That's her sure-fire superstar ball playing boyfriend on the phone while some other dude's hand is creeping up over her naked back and shoulder. Oh yeah, this chick has to die.

Sandra and Van

Compliance

(2012)

Sandra is the manager at a fast-food joint. When a "cop" calls her on the phone and orders her to strip search an employee he suspects of theft she just goes along with it. That's right, this "cop" isn't even in the same room, just tells her to do this on the phone. Later, her boyfriend Van proves twice as dumb when he winds up sexually assaulting the woman under the orders of the person on the other end of the line. The only thing worse than either one of these two is the fact that everything they do is based heavily on facts from real life cases. Yup, these two morons deserve a slow, painful death.

Annakin Skywalker

Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

(2002)

This is a tough one for me. Killing him means taking out someone who would go on to become one of the great movie villains of all time. Keeping him means endorsing one of the worst performances in a big budget movie in the history of film. And one of the worst written. I'm okay with keeping the kid that played the even younger version in The Phantom Menace, even though most of you hate him. Somehow, we have to keep Vader. Let's just slaughter this version and re-write the whole damn movie.

Bella Swan and Edward Cullen

The Twilight Series

(2008-2012)

Do I really have to explain this one? For me, the fact that they are single-handedly responsible for the complete neutering of the vampire that has taken place over the last decade. On top of that they are miserable people in miserable movies and I want them killed. Preferably, they will be taken out together while wrapped in a pale embrace. That way, one stake can simultaneously go through both of their hearts.

Yes, boys and girls there will be a survivor. A...

Final Girl

Su Lin

Enter the Dragon

(1973)

Since we've been busy sending people to their early demise, how about bringing back one who met hers? Yes, Su Lin actually died during her one and only scene in the iconic Enter the Dragon. However, it's obvious the girl has got ungodly sorts of strength. After all, she died by her own hand rather than be violated by a gang of thugs. Before actually finishing herself off, she gives them all they can handle by kicking their asses all over the place before finally getting cornered. Of course, she did. She is the sister of the movie's hero, none other than the one and only Bruce Lee. She's got what it takes to handle some lone psycho. And I so want her to live, so here she is.

Alrighty, boys and girls. That's my roster of victims, plus a heroine. It's not too late to post yours. This blogathon runs right up through Halloween!

Click here for other Blogathon related posts.

Directed by 26 different contributors.

2013. Rated R, 124 minutes.

Right away, we're told how this movie came to be. Twenty-six directors from around the world were each given a different letter of the alphabet. They then chose whatever word they wished, as long as it started with the same letter. Using that word and death as the theme, the director made a short film. That means there is no chance for cohesion whatsoever. That's fine. I just hope most of them are good.

If not actually good, nearly all of them are definitely interesting. By interesting, I mean weird. This is very much a collection of the bizarre, filled to the brim with WTF moments. Most head shake and face palm inducing is the segment for the letter 'F', by Japanese director Noboru Iguchi. 'F' is for far,of course. Far from frightened, I was frankly freakin' flabbergasted. Too much? Okay, I'll stop. In general, though, the entries from our Asian auteurs tended to be the most farthest out there. Another oddity being the section marked 'L' for libido. As the title suggests, it's a sexually charged short. Men are strapped to a chair and forced to masturbate to whatever scene is being acted out before them. In this case, being a quick finisher is a good thing. Unfortunately, what's being acted out before their eyes grows increasingly strange and/or repulsive.

Not to be outdone, an animated entry focuses on a turd that won't stay in the toilet. Speaking of toilets, director Ti West uses one in his segment to make me hate him even more than I already do. I didn't think that was possible. If you didn't know, I've developed a rather passionate dislike of the man, or at least, his work. I thought it was as bad as it could get. Then this. Sigh.

Hidden within this pile of rubbish, there are a few legitimately strong entries. The two best take a self-aware approach. Adam Wingard's short opens with he and his cohorts lamenting the letter they were given to work with, Q, then trying to come up with an idea. Finally, they settle on filming themselves blowing up a live duck. That sounds bad, but it works out in hilarious fashion. By the way, Wingard also directed You're Next. Similarly, Jon Schnepp's segment starts with him griping with his buddies because the deadline to get their entry done is fast approaching and they haven't done anything yet. Then all hell breaks loose. Another standout involves a young boy being told a story about a boogeyman like figure by his older brother who wants the lad to hurry up and fall asleep so he and his girlfriend can get it on. That one comes from Mexican director Adrian Garcia Bogliano.

Unfortunately, the bad far outweighs the good. You may not agree if you delight in seeing just how strange things can get. If that's your deal then you should have already watched this. Just stop reading now and get to it. If weird isn't your thing, there's not nearly enough good to here to recommend you taking the plunge. As for me, well, I survived all twenty-six entries. I think I deserve some sort of horror flick medal. It starts with an 'M'.

MY SCORE: 3/10

Directed by William Beaudine.

1943. Not Rated, 64 minutes.

Cast:

Bela Lugosi

Louise Currie

Wallace Ford

Henry Hall

Minerva Urecal

Ralph Littlefield

Emil Van Horn

Sometimes, people are too smart for their own good. And by people, I mean mad scientists in movies. James Brewster (Lugosi) is one of those. I'm not sure what he was actually trying to accomplish, but he's managed to transform himself into an ape in the old school Roddy McDowall sense of the word. He's totally in control of his thoughts and actions. However, he walks kinda-sorta like an ape, has hairy knuckles, and can't stand up straight. On the plus side, he's almost as strong as a gorilla and has grown a thick head of hair with an awesome beard to match. In my world, he has two clear choices for what he should do next. He can either get himself a costume and fight crime, or get a costume and try to take over the city. Either way, dude should be dressing up and making a name for himself. But alas, Dr. Brewster doesn't live in my world. He lives in the...ahem...real world of 1940s sci-fi/horror. So, no costume. Dammit.

When we meet him, he's inexplicably in a cage in his house laboratory with a "real" ape. And by "real," I mean a dude in a gorilla suit. This is also the first time his sister Agatha (Urecal) has seen him since his accident. For good measure, there's a reporter (Ford) and his lady photographer (Currie) snooping around because, apparently, Dr. Stewart is famous and has been reported missing. Yes, it's important that the photographer is a lady because this movie was made in 1943 (hate to keep harping on the era). She's just been hired by the newspaper (remember those?) and the reporter keeps questioning her abilities because, well, girl. Don't worry. She has a witty comeback for every one of his snide remarks. Later on, get this, she even defends herself. This is downright progressive stuff for its time.

I'm off track. Let's get back to our doctor friend. Instead of going in either of the directions I suggested, he's hell bent on curing himself. Other than being slumped over, I'm not sure the cons outweigh the pros of his new condition. Hell, I even forgot to add that he can communicate with apes now, in their language. I'm just not seeing the big problem, here. Actually, I do see the problem. Given the time during which this movie was made I get that it's tinged with anti-Nazi sentiment. After all, they were touting themselves as the superior race and killed a lot of people to push their own agenda.

Ahhh, the killing. Now, we finally get to the meat of the story. To cure himself, Dr. Brewster announces that he needs human spinal fluid. How he reached that conclusion or how it works, or how anything he did to this point worked is never even hinted at, so don't ask. Of course, the only way to get spinal fluid is to extract it from real live people, killing them instantly. Guess what the doc does with the aid of his trusty gorilla pal? If you guessed go on a killing spree, give yourself a pat on the back with your newly elongated simian arms. The gorilla actually does the killing, after which J-Brew jabs a needle in their back and drains them. As you might imagine, this practice is frowned upon.

The way the film plays out it's abundantly clear that we're not watching a classic monster flick. Dr. Brewster starting the movie in a cage is just one of many nonsensical things that happen. The most ridiculous is the random old dude who shows up everywhere in town and directly alters the plot. He pops up out of nowhere to tell people what to do and then disappears again. Eventually, he breaks the fourth wall and explains who he is. I'll just save that little surprise on the off chance you might actually watch this. Sadly, or maybe not, he gives the most interesting performance after Lugosi. The horror icon was clearly past his prime of a decade earlier, but still seems to be giving it his all. Unfortunately for him, but not me, the movie around him is a steaming pile. Mind you, it's often an inadvertently hilarious steaming pile, but still a steaming pile. That makes The Ape Man so bad, it's awesome!

MY SCORE: -10/10

Other horror movies so bad they're awesome:

Thursday Movie Picks: Zombie Movies

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Texas Chainsaw 3D

By November of 1984, I was only thirteen years old, but already starting to develop my lust for slasher flicks. I had already seen Halloween, Prom Night, Sleepaway Camp, and the first three Friday the 13th movies. There are probably a few more that I'm forgetting, but you get the picture. Naturally, when I saw the commercial for Wes Craven's latest, A Nightmare on Elm Street, I had to see it as soon as possible. My bestest buddy in the whole wide world also wanted to see it. Here's where Mom came in. I was only thirteen. How else was I going to get there? Sure, my friends' had parents that might be willing to take us to the theater, but they weren't all as liberal as my mom when it came to what types of movies us kids watched. all, she was fully aware I was watching stuff like Porky's, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, The Last American Virgin, and Zapped!, along with the aforementioned fright movies.

Don't judge her.

In this case, I can't recall the amount of begging that actually took place. I do know that Mom isn't much of a horror movie fan. She's not utterly opposed to them, at least back then she wasn't, but she'd rather watch something else most of the time. Still, I, or we, did enough whining to get her to bite the bullet, load up the car, and take a bunch of us to meet Freddy Krueger. By a bunch of us, I mean myself, three siblings, my bestest buddy, and his little brother. My three siblings, by the way, all younger than I. In fact, I was the second oldest of all since my friend was six months my senior. My youngest brother brought up the rear at a whopping four years of age.

Don't you dare judge her.

What we saw was simply, and still, one of the best slasher flicks ever made. Just in case you're somehow unfamiliar with the story, I'll give you a quick rundown. Years ago, Freddy was the janitor at a local school and murdered a bunch of kids. He was arrested, but got off on a technicality. Not willing to take that lying down, the neighborhood parents got together and burned him alive. Now, it seems Freddy is haunting their children from beyond the grave through their dreams. The kicker is that if he kills anyone in their dream, they die in real life. And yeah, he kills up some Elm Street kids in their dreams. One of them actually went to have a fairly successful career. It was the kid who got sucked into his own bed during a dream only to have all of his blood and guts come shooting out of it like a geyser. He was played by some guy making his big screen debut by the name of Johnny Depp. You might have heard of him.

Didn't I tell you not to judge her?

That scene featuring Depp is just one of a number of surreal sequences. Another featured a girl who seemed to be flying about the room as her body was being repeatedly gashed. Still another, showed the heroine being dragged into her own bath water which turns out to be a bottomless pool, waking up just before she meets her end. Often it wasn't immediately clear that the person being shown had fallen asleep. This added to the mystery of things. The entire movie significantly raised the bar on what could be done with dream sequences. Of course, spoiler alert, the good guys figure out a way to stop Freddy. They think they kill him, but that's not really the case as we're set up quite nicely for a sequel. The credits roll. We go home. Then the fun starts.

That four year old brother of mine had watched this entire movie unfold without flinching. At least, I didn't see him flinch. He certainly never crawled into Mom's lap, bury his face in her bosom, or even call her name. He hung in there like a champ. I was proud of the boy. Then, he showed his true colors. Whatever colors a four year old has, of course.

When we got home, he had to use the restroom. He ran to the upstairs bathroom, went in and dropped his pants. I happened to be coming up the stairs right behind him and noticed he left the door open. Being a good big brother, I closed it without even thinking about it. Suddenly, my brother screamed as loud as humanly possible, ran to the door, and yanked it open. My first reaction was to ask what in the world was he doing, since his pants were still down around his ankles. All he could do was point toward the bathtub. I laughed and tried to close the door again, but he was having none of that. So yeah, my brother used the bathroom with the door wide open. I don't know about your house, but that was most certainly not a normal occurrence at mine.

The fun wasn't quite over for my brother. During those days, he and I slept in the attic which had been transformed into a bedroom. We each had a side and were separated only by the staircase leading up to it. Once he made it up there, it was well past his bedtime, so he got his pajamas on and...

didn't get into bed.

Instead, he just stares at the thing. I remind him that it's time for him to hit the sack. Since he was obviously having a flashback to the demise of Johnny Depp, he started feeling all over the mattress, checking for holes to be sucked into. It took quite a while for him to be satisfied that Freddy Krueger was not going to grab him from somewhere beneath the bed and spray his insides all over the ceiling. When he reached that point, he manage to lie down and actually sleep through the night.

You still can't judge her.

Directed by Matthias Hoene.

2012. Rated R, 87 minutes.

Cast:

Harry Treadaway

Rasmus Hardiker

Michelle Ryan

Alan Ford

Georgia King

Ashley Thomas

Jack Doolan

Tony Gardner

Tony Selby

Georgina Hale

Honor Blackman

Two dim-witted blokes working on a construction site think it's their lucky day when they discover a hidden underground room. They journey down the dark stairway hoping to find a buried treasure only to become zombie food. Switching over to more stupid people, we meet brothers Terry (Hardiker) and Andy (Treadaway) as they're assembling a crew to help them pull off a bank robbery. They also make a stop to visit their grandfather Ray (Ford), a World War II vet now living in a rest home. Of course, the heist doesn't go according to plan. As they're trying to escape the bank they see that just about everyone in town has been zombified. Our heroes, plus a few others, trying to rescue Grandpa and his friends at the rest home, and just trying to stay alive ensues.

From time to time, we get some good laughs, and some cringe inducing gore from Cockneys vs. Zombies. It's a lively affair that stars a tad slow, but picks up considerably once we get to the bank robbery. Much of the humor comes from the stupidity of our co-leads. Together, Rasmus Hardiker and Harry Treadaway make a funny enough pair. The psychotic behavior of Ashley Thomas as Mental Mickey, the "back in my day I woulda..." quality of Alan Ford's performance as Ray, and Michelle Ryan and Katy pointing out the idiocy of everyone involved all elicit their fair share of laughs.

Even as we're getting those laughs, we're not as thrilled with it as we should be. What holds the movie back more than anything is its completely derivative nature. It's most obvious influence is, of course, Shaun of the Dead. Not only does the plot go in many of the same directions, but Terry and Andy come across as a knock off version Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. Like I said, they aren't terrible, just not nearly as good as the originals. CvZ also draws heavily from the crime comedies of Guy Ritchie. A number of exchanges between characters and even the characters themselves feel like they were picked up off the cutting room floor of Snatch, or Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Again, the way it happens here is okay, but pales in comparison to its own inspirations. That makes this a movie that's okay, but probably works better if you haven't seen the films it draws from.

MY SCORE: 6/10

Directed by Christopher B. Landon.

2014. Rated R, 84 minutes.

Cast:

Andrew Jacobs

Jorge Diaz

Gabrielle Walsh

Renee Victor

Noemi Gonzalez

David Saucedo

Gloria Sandoval

Katie Featherston

Micah Sloat

Molly Ephraim

For this installment in the Paranormal Activity series, we switch from a sprawling quiet suburb to a cramped inner-city apartment building. Instead of focusing on Katie (Featherston) and/or members of her family, we follow around Jesse (Jacobs) and Hector (Diaz), a couple of guys who just graduated from high school, but don't really seem to have much direction. Their days consist of a little skateboarding, smoking a little pot, trying to get into some girl's pants, videotaping everything, and avoiding the occasional horde of thugs who happen to notice that they're suddenly on camera. After hearing some strange, erotic sounding noises coming through the vent from the apartment below, guess where they drop their camera. What they see enhances, but doesn't quite confirm their belief that the lady who lives in said apartment is a witch. To cut to the chase, strange things start happening in Jesse's apartment, and to him personally.

Once again, we follow the Paranormal Activity template. Someone lugs a camera around while odd things happen and someone is possessed. Aided by the home footage look that permeates the series, the acting is pretty natural. It is a major plus to be able to say anything good about the acting in the fifth movie in a horror franchise. And it's true. Watching these two guys just be boys is easily the best part of the movie. Unfortunately, nothing else holds much water. The jump scares don't make us jump and certainly don't scare us. The plot meanders way too much for its own good. The whole thing makes less sense any other film in the series, and ends with a lame tie-in to those movies. Part of that is simply due to location. It simply doesn't work.

The change in scenery creates a big problem for this film that its predecessors didn't have. Part of what makes a haunted house flick successful is the isolation felt by the inhabitants. It's easy for neighbors to not believe you have ghosts because they may never hear or see anything. This fosters a sense of hopelessness in both the people living in the house and the viewers. The only people that might help are ones you call when times are desperate, members of the clergy or oddballs that fancy themselves to be ghost-busters. More important to the atmosphere of the movie, there really is nothing else going on. By changing to a crowded urban landscape the plot is instantly convoluted. There are too many people that could, and should, know something. There are also too many people who don't give a crap what's going on. There are just naturally too many agendas to present for this type of story. This leads us in the audience to more willingly question the events in the movie. Our ability to suspend disbelief is more seriously tested. When things are focused on the happenings inside a single family house where the neighbors aren't too close, it's easier for us to be absorbed by the movie and experience it. With The Marked Ones, we just watch it. Magic already fading due to the redundant nature of being a franchise with an installment every year, is now completely gone.

MY SCORE: 3.5/10

The theme for this week's Thursday Movie Picks, hosted by the amazing Wanderer at Wandering Through the Shelves, is one that is near and dear to my heart: vampire movies. Vampires are my favorite of all movie monsters. Well, they were, until the Stephanie Meyer led wussification of them. So yeah, I still fully believe that Edward Cullen must die.

Thankfully, there are some vampire movies of recent vintage that I'm proud to call blood sucker flicks. However, they aren't as widely known as the tripe that rakes in all the box office dough so I'm definitely calling these hidden gems. In fact, all three of my picks made my list of the best vampire movies since 2000. Chronologically, they are...

Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust

(2000)

A wealthy man whose daughter has been abducted by vampires hires D, the best hunter in the business to bring her back safely. What transpires is a wild, violent, and strange ride into a world overrun by vampires. D himself is half-vampire. To oversimplify, think of this as an anime version of Blade. Since that's selling it way short, just see the damn movie. Without the kids.

30 Days of Night

(2007)

In a small Alaskan industrial town, the sun is about to set and won't come back up for 30 days. When that happens, a group of vampires shows up with sharp teeth and large appetites. And that's pretty much it. This is one of the most savage and visceral portrayals of vampires ever committed to film. There are no romantic notions, no thoughtful metaphors, just hunting for food. These vampires...and the food they eat...are about as raw as it gets.

Thirst

(2009)

Oldboy director Park Chan-wook delivers this ridiculously under-seen vampire flick. It centers on a priest who, through a blood transfusion needed to save him from a deadly disease, becomes a vampire. If wrestling with that weren't enough for the man's conscience, he finds himself falling in love with a married woman. He turns her. Then the real fun begins. (full review)

Directed by Rob Zombie.

2013. Rated R, 101 minutes.

Cast:

Sheri Moon Zombie

Bruce Davison

Jeff Daniel Phillips

Ken Foree

Patricia Quinn

Dee Wallace

Maria Conchita Alonso

Judy Geeson

Meg Foster

Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie) is the co-host of a late night radio show in Salem, Mass. Not surprisingly, they are currently discussing the legendary Salem Witch Trials. Of course, she will soon encounter some practitioners of the black arts. While leaving work, she is given a record, yes a record, that has mysteriously appeared at the front desk with her name on it. Listening to it makes her feel like crap and induces some disturbing visions. There is also the strange new neighbor who isn't supposed to be there. Watching Heidi freak out ensues.

The Lords of Salem is one of those movies that plays on a loop. Generally, Heidi wakes up and stumbles around her apartment with her dog nearby. Something weird happens then she's off to work. We then see a little of the radio show after which she goes home and gets drunk with someone. Somewhere in here the music plays and something else weird happens. Rinse. Repeat. Throughout this cycle her mental health seems to be deteriorating. Unfortunately, after the first time or two through the cycle it feels repetitive.

Things aren't helped much by some predictable characters showing up. Withing seconds of meeting certain people we have a fairly accurate idea of who/what they really are. They all just look and act too shady to be anything else. The mystery is sapped out of the film rather early because of this. The only real intrigue left is the visuals presented whenever our heroine starts seeing things.

There are some strong resemblances between The Lords of Salem and 2012's Lovely Molly. In both, the protagonist is a woman who is a recovering drug addict and begins seeing things she can't explain. The difference is in that movie, Molly's addiction is taken seriously by the film itself. Here, Heidi's is treated somewhat cavalierly. Much of LM is built around other characters believing her to be slipping back into her old ways as we watch her fight not to during an extremely stressful time in her life. We sympathize with her and wonder if it's all in her head. In The Lords of Salem Heidi's history with drugs is also a known factor by her friends. Their concern appears token, at best. By that I mean, they regularly start up her all-night drinking sessions. It's as if no one, including the writer/director/star's husband Rob Zombie included, has the slightest clue that there is any problem whatsoever with a drug addict binge drinking. It subtracts from the idea that anyone gives a crap about her. If the movie itself doesn't, why should we? This is a crucial question that is never answered. As a result, we have nothing to grasp except a few disturbing pictures.

Disturbing. That's the key word. Rob Zombie strives to make all of his movies match that description. Sometimes he succeeds, sometimes not. This is one of the nots. He tries to do it by attempting to make us recoil from what we see rather than reaching into and shaking our core. Sure, there are some ugly images here that may make some of us cringe. But once that fleeting moment passes there is nothing to truly heighten our sense of dread. The ending is his last ditch effort at freaking us out. Truthfully, it's a great singular shot that does appeal to our soul more than our eyes. Had the movie leading up to it been better, it would be a downright brilliant finale. As it stands, it's the best part of a bad movie.

MY SCORE: 4.5/10

Directed by Michael Tiddes.

2013. Rated R, 86 minutes.

Cast:

Marlon Wayans

Essence Atkins

Nick Swardson

Andrew Daly

Alanna Ubach

Cedric the Entertainer

Marlene Forte

David Koechner

Dave Sheridan

Affion Crockett

J.B. Smoove

Today is a big day. This is when Malcolm's (Wayans) girlfriend Kisha (Atkins) is moving in with him. He has a spacious house with a pool and a jacuzzi and a housekeeper named Rosa (Forte) to help him maintain it all. Of course, the second Kisha gets there, strange things start happening. It soon becomes apparent that there is a ghost in the house. And since this is a found footage movie, every oddity is caught on camera. Just so you don't go thinking this has any chance of being scary I'll let you know that this is a parody of the Paranormal Activity franchise. Therefore, comedy, or something like it, ensues.

The setup is familiar. Things happen, with the most extreme stuff occurring during the wee hours of the night. In the mornings, our loving couple watches the footage to see what went on for themselves. The difference between this and the movies it pokes fun of, plot wise, is that this is really all about sex. Nearly every joke overtly references some form of the act or another. This includes a rather extended scene of a threesome involving Malcolm and a pair of teddy bears. You might laugh yourself silly, become too uncomfortable to laugh, or both. Like much of the movie, it goes out of its way to be crass. A Haunted House also leans toward stereotypes and male homophobia (being completely okay with female homosexuality, naturally). Take it, or leave it.

Now that you know what to expect out of this movie, I can probably stop writing. However, I do want to touch on some of the highlights. For me, the biggest is Marlene Forte as Rosa. She is the one who made me laugh most consistently. She also takes what could be just a sliver of a character and forms a fully realized being. To be perfectly honest, it probably helps that we only get her in small doses. I'm judging by the plethora of supporting players who come to the house at some point. Most are at least a little funny for the first few minutes after they show up, but manage to wear out their welcome. Another positive is that whether you love it or hate it, it's not boring. The run time is thankfully short. On top of that it moves quickly because things are constantly happening that grab our attention.

While I wouldn't call A Haunted House good, I will say it wasn't nearly as painful as it could have been. It's better than another Wayans Brothers horror spoof, the Scary Movie franchise. Unlike those, it doesn't just re-enact random scenes from a bunch of movies appearing schizophrenic and pulling us in way too many directions. A Haunted House uses the template provided by Paranormal Activity, even to the point of imitation, but creates its own self-contained and cohesive narrative. You need not have seen twenty other films to get most of the jokes. Really, you don't even have to have seen Paranormal Activity. It stands up, or falls down depending on your tolerance for humor that might be beyond raunchy, on its own accord.

MY SCORE: 5.5/10

Directed by Dario Argento.

2012. Not Rated, 110 minutes.

Cast:

Thomas Kretschmann

Miriam Giovanelli

Rutger Hauer

Asia Argento

Marta Gastini

Unax Ugalde

Giovanni Franzoni

Even when you think you know what you're getting yourself into, it still might be hard to believe when you're actually there. Argento's Dracula is one such place. I mean, the cover of the DVD drips with ooey-gooey cheese. It's animated and shows a guy I presume to be the titular Dracula in the upper left hand corner. Next to him is a larger picture of a female vampire with a lower-than-low cut top. The words beneath her are from some critic proclaiming this to be a throwback to the vampire flicks made by Hammer Films, complete with "heaving bosoms." I paraphrased most of it, but put quotation marks around the phrase "heaving bosoms" because I definitely remember seeing "heaving bosoms." Perhaps it's sad that I couldn't directly quote all of it, but clearly remember "heaving bosoms." In fact, I'm pretty certain I can remember every bosom I've ever seen heave. By this point, I'm just appeasing my own juvenile sense of humor by harping on this. Can you blame me? How often does a guy reviewing allegedly legitimate movies get to talk about heaving bosoms? Too often, apparently, so I'll stop.

And I should. Because the fact of the matter is...sigh. Let's stop for a moment. Occasionally, I have to chastise myself. I started a sentence with 'and,' then followed that by starting the next one with 'because.' Every professor who had a hand in getting me through to an English degree is collectively groaning as you read this. Or, not. They probably have no knowledge of this blog, let alone pay attention to it. Whatever. You're here about a movie, right?

To pick up where I left off, there was something else on the cover letting me know I was in for a cheesetastic experience. In fact, this was the thing that really inspired me to check out Argento's Dracula. This thing is actually a man. He's not just any man, but one who has come to symbolize B-movie madness. Of course, I'm talking about the one and only hobo with a shotgun, Rutger Hauer. Perfect. Play.

The movie is a loose adaptation of Bram Stoker's classic tale. By loose, I mean very loose. It uses the same main characters, presumaby, the same time period, and the same basic idea. Jonathan Harker (Ugalde) is hired by the mysterious Count Dracula (Kretschmann) and travels to stay at the Count's castle. What exactly he's hired for is never made clear, unless I just missed it. That's entirely possible since I was distracted by the rather early appearance of a heaving bosom. To be honest, this bosom doesn't actually heave. It's completely free of any of the constraints that might make heaving possible. Sorry. It's to the point where I can't help myself. Shortly, Tania (Giovanelli), owner of said bosom, is taking the walk of shame through the woods after a tryst with a dude in a barn when a gigantic owl swoops down on her and reveals itself to be Dracula. Yup, an owl. Chomp, chomp, suck, suck, lady vampire. Her job for the rest of the movie is to try to seduce Harker every time she sees him only to be thwarted by the Count himself who has other plans for the dude he hired for reasons undisclosed. Other folks run around trying to figure out what to do about the Count and after about an hour, Rutger Hauer shows up as Van Helsing and takes matters into his own hands.

Most of what's going on here can't possibly pass for good film making. However, the only part of this that's problematic is the clunky pacing, particularly during the first half of the movie. There are a few stretches where you might find yourself bored. Everything else that's happening is terrible on a hilarious level. This even includes the one "good" thing going for it, aside from heaving bosoms, that is. I'm talking about the acting. These performers are all in, going for broke. Most of them are over the top in a manner reminiscent of classically trained Shakespearean thespians doing MacBeth in the park like their next meal depends on it. This gives the whole production a little extra pop, adds to the zaniness of it all. And yeah, dammit - did that again, Rutger Hauer goes Rutger Hauer and Dracula has all the classic vampire strengths and weaknesses plus a few more. Owl and stuff. By stuff, I mean giant praying mantis. Boys and girls, we're dealing with a movie so bad it's bosom heavingly awesome.

MY SCORE: -10/10

More horror that's so bad it's awesome...

Kingdom of the Spiders

Piranha (2010)

Repo! The Genetic Opera

Texas Chainsaw 3D

Trip with the Teacher

My good blogging buddy John over at Hitchcock's World has given his fellow bloggers an important task. We must save the world. To do so, we have to assemble an investigative team stop the Old Ones, or one of them, at least. If you're like me, your first question was 'who are the Old Ones?' In that case, you need to brush up on your H.P. Lovecraft. In lieu of, you know, finding out about them on your own, check out this post on John's site to get the low down on our pending destruction. Hopefully, this will spur you on to create your own team and take down one of these rather unforgiving deities.

There are some rules for putting together a team. As per Mr. Hitchcock, they are as follows:

Choose an Old One you wish to prevent from destroying out world. For those of you not familiar with Lovecraft, I'll provide a list below with some information on each and what little information is known about them.
Select a group of horror movie characters you believe are cut out for the task of fighting the Old Ones. They don't have to actually be from a cosmic horror story, but they should have experience dealing with "horror" in some sense of the word. Because of the unpredictable nature of what we are dealing with, there is no limit on how many characters you can have in your party.
With each character you choose, provide a few words explaining why you chose that character and what you think they can contribute to the investigation.
There are no limits on how many players can go against a specific Old One, but if even one is not pursued by a single player, than you can say goodbye to everything you hold dear.

I will say that for my team, we may be stretching the definition of a horror flick. Sorry, John. Rules were made to be broken. Besides, we're talking about saving our collective asses, here. Now that that's out of the way, let's get don to business.

The Old One We're After:

Shub-Niggurath

In John's words:
Ia Shub-Niggurath, the legendary "Black Ram of the Woods" or "Goat with a Thousand Young". Not much is known about her beyond rumors, although there are stories of strange creatures that are said to worship her. Ordinarily she is not someone you want to have anything to do with, nor are any of her thousand young.

Hmmm...our work is cut out for us.

The Team

Executive Officer

Col. Colin Caine

Lifeforce

(1985)

Dealing with the unusual and extremely dangerous is what this guy does. This includes going into the corona of Halley's Comet and finding an alien ship that just happens to contain extraterrestrial vampires. His ability to deal with that makes me confident he can deal with this.

Commanding Officer

Captain Miller

Event Horizon

(1997)

Captain Miller is definitely a guy who has experience trying to hold his team together in extremely adverse situations. As captain of the Lewis and Clark, he led a rescue mission to recover the Event Horizon. This involves a trip to another dimension, visions of his crew being mutilated and tortured, and sacrificing himself for the good of the mission. My kind of guy.

Chief Investigator

Gerry Lane

World War Z

(2013)

I would hope that the UN would want to be involved in a mission to save all of humanity. Since I say they will, we're sending in an investigator they might always readily admit works for them. And since this is the guy they called to deal with a global zombie outbreak, I'm willing to give him a shot at tracking down Shub-Niggurath.

Archaeologist

Elizabeth Shaw

Prometheus

(2012)

Shaw is devoutly religious and in search of the beginnings of humanity. However, I think we can pull her away to help save it. After all, there are rumors of underground shrines to Shub-Niggurath and she also has experience dealing with entities that might have lots of offspring and wants to kill us. Speaking of off-spring, she had to give herself a c-section when an alien planted a fetus inside of her. Yeah, she's a survivor.

Parapsychologist

Egon Spengler

Ghostbusters

(1984)

I think a guy specializing in paranormal extermination could certainly be of use. After all, he's saved New York City, and thus, the world, twice from entities beyond the wildest imaginations of most humans. He ain't afraid of no Old One.

Biologist

Corazon

Sunshine

(2007)

Just in case our team somehow gets close enough, but doesn't finish the job the first time, Corazon would be able to help us figure out what we're dealing...if it's something biological at all, that is. It also helps that she's used to doomed missions having been sent to re-ignite the sun. Yeah, she's in.

Pilot/Archivist

Rosa Dasque

Europa Report

(2013)

Someone has to get us there. Why not someone who has shown she can not only fly the vessel, but work on communications, if the need arises, and is willing to go down with the ship? Rosa is willing to do just that for the greater good.

Infantry

Dutch Schaefer

Predator

(1987)

Who better to deal with this type of threat than Dutch? Let everyone else handle the brainy stuff, this dude's got muscles upon muscles, knows how to handle a guns, and deal with entities that most certainly aren't human.

Alice

Resident Evil

(2002)

Sure, she doesn't have Dutch's brawn, and doesn't have the greatest memory, but she can definitely take out hordes of zombies. That might not take down Shub herself, but it will surely help with her thousand young. We need that kind of help.

Good luck, team.

Kiss of the Damned

Insidious: Chapter 2

Pointless Lists: 13 Greatest Final Girls

Only Lovers Left Alive

Farm House

Thursday Movie Picks: Found Footage Movies

The Slasher Cast-A-Thon: Dell's Entry

The ABCs of Death

The Ape Man

Movies I Grew Up With: A Nightmare on Elm Street

Cockneys vs. Zombies

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones

Thursday Movie Picks: Vampire Movies

The Lords of Salem

A Haunted House

Argento's Dracula

Cosmic Horror Cast-a-Thon

Oculus

Thursday Movie Picks: Haunted Buildings

Scanners